Saturday, August 29, 2009

The hardest part of saying goodbye

“The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it again, every single day." This quote from One Tree Hill is referring to death. However, I believe that it is also applicable to the end of a relationship; because in many ways, ending a relationship is a kind of death. It is the separation of a couple (the merging of two individuals) into two distinct individuals. The routine of doing daily life together is disrupted and future plans become obsolete. I have struggled, more than I'd like to admit, with saying goodbye, every single day. It has been difficult knowing that I can't just text or call him "just because" or just to let him know I'm thinking of him. It's hard not knowing when I'll hear from him or see him next. We live within about six minutes of one another, so even seeing the sign for his street, or driving by the DQ we went to, or the flower shop he always bought my flowers from is a painful memory. Although some may say each day is a new day (and I realize it is going to require many of them for enough time to pass for me to completely heal) its hard waking up realizing that it is just another day that I have to say goodbye. Goodbye to us. To him. To the person I was with him. To the plans and dreams we had together. And to our future.

He was supposed to go home with me next weekend to attend his first K-State football game with me. Anyone who knows me well knows that Kansas State University is a HUGE part of my life. I've attended season football games ever since I can remember. I'm a two time alum of K-State and as such have an immense passion for the university. I really do not think words can express how excited I have been to take Kirk with me to a game and have him experience the traditions and atmosphere of Kansas State. It is going to be REALLY difficult to go to the game and have an empty seat next to me, knowing that it was intended for him. Fortunately I have an amazingly supportive family who are helping me through this. I will be sitting at the game with my brother Josh and his girlfriend. I'm sure Josh and I will analyze the game, coaching strategy, and refereeing as usual. I'm really looking forward to that. Also, my parents realizing how difficult a 9 hour drive alone would be (too much time to think) are flying me home earlier in the week. So, I'll get to spend almost an entire week in Kansas with my family. Something that will allow me to escape my daily routine here.

For now the "distractions," love, and support of my family and friends are helping me manage the pain of saying goodbye every single day. And I know that with time, my heart will heal and hopefully I'll be able to wake up some morning and not need to say goodbye.


AngelaMae said...

Girl... I know that all of the words you wrote are true. I know it in my heart, mind and recent experiences. I can say the only way to escape is through those 3 things you mentioned.
Stay in there with it and keep writing, there is healing there too.

Amanda said...

Love you, my friend. Hang in there...

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