Monday, November 9, 2009

Was I the Only One???

I tend to view my role as being the person who is always strong. It is very rare for me to allow people to see me weak. The few exceptions are my family (particularly my mom) and within the boundaries of a relationship. Very rarely will I be "weak" around girls, even my closest friends. A couple of my best friends have seen me in vulnerable/weak states on very rare occasion. In part this is because I have been betrayed and really hurt by some of my closest girlfriends. But mostly it is because I view it as my responsibility to be available to my friends to be strong for them when they need me to. And being weak compromises my ability to be strong for my friends. Over the years I've gotten really good at putting on a smile, even when I feel broken inside. And in some ways I've done this the past couple months through my blog. I have used this blog to process my thoughts & feelings and to use it as an opportunity for me to grow as a person. I have also put on a brave "face" and likely appeared less affected than what many of you may realize. The very few people (primarily my mom, brother Josh, and best friend Mandy) who know where my heart is and has been, realize that while everything I have blogged about recently is true, it is also not the entire story. So, in an attempt to challenge myself and work toward "self-realization" I have decided to make myself vulnerable in a way that is not easy or desirable to me.

I recently listened to a song off Jordin Sparks' newest album (Battlefield). It seems to eloquently and perfectly capture the thoughts and feelings I have experienced over the past couple months. Some are thoughts and feelings I still experience, others I have experienced at some point. But what these lyrics represent to me is vulnerability and brokenness, which is a reflection of my recent experiences.

So, below are the lyrics for "Was I the Only One" and an intimate look into my vulnerable heart.

--When you told me that I was a star in the sky
Baby, I believed every word
And you seemed so sincere, it was perfectly clear
'Cause forever was all that I heard

And every little kiss from your tender lips
Couldn't have been a lie
I fell heart over head without a safety net
I don't understand it's goodbye

Was I the only one who fell in love?
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, only one in love?

As I walk down the hall I see the place on the wall
Where the picture of us used to be
I fight back these tears 'cause I still feel you here
How could you walk out so easily?

And I don't understand how I can feel this pain
And still be alive
And all these broken dreams and all these memories
Are killing me inside

Was I the only one who fell in love?
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, only one?

Tell me what I'm supposed to do with all this love
Baby, it was supposed to be the two of us
Help me 'cause I still don't want to believe
I was the only one, I was the only one

I was the only one who fell in love
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
I was the only one, the only one

I was the only one who fell in love
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, the only one in love, oh

When you told me that I was a star in the sky
Baby, I believed every word--

5 comments:

Ryan said...

Opening up and allowing yourself to be more vulnerable can lead to great growth, new friendships/connections, etc. I know that some of the people that helped me a great deal in my past situation and have become great friends, you included, would probably never have happened if I hadn't allowed myself to be vulnerable and share my heart. There are always silver linings...everything for a reason...

Amanda said...

Oh, sweet girl... I'm getting teary eyed reading this blog post. You are an amazing person and so completely beautiful, both inside and out. What you may not realize is that the times I've seen you in a place of vulnerability, I've held up your example as a model for strength for myself. You truly are so strong when you're vulnerable (though it certainly may not feel that way) and you always seem to possess such clarity during those times. It makes me envious! ;)
Love you, dear friend... and thanks for being strong enough to choose to be "weak" at times. I learn from you! :)

AngelaMae said...

Those lyrics brought me to tears and helped me to put to words how I've felt for so long at the loss of Kelvin and our relationship. Thank you for sharing your pain and helping me to find an eloquent way to express mine...

K Fend said...

We're not so different, you and I. Granted, we've probably known that for awhile :) Lately, I've been finding myself in the same position of having to be strong for my friends, when in reality? I'm falling apart. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. I love you and miss you SO much!

Alisha said...

Angela, if you haven't already, you should listen to the song. It is so beautiful. The lyrics are even more powerful embeddded within the music.

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