"Lots of People Lose Themselves in Love..."

This blog post was partially inspired by a friend of mine's recent blog. She and I have both experienced heartbreak in the past year and a half. Each of us was left feeling broken following the end of our respective relationships and have spent a considerable amount of time processing these relationships in order to emotionally and cognitively prepare ourselves for healthier relationships.

What I've come to realize in the past few months was how much of myself that I sacrificed or lost within the context of that relationship. As embarrassing as this is to admit, a quote from the television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer (season 3), clearly and succinctly summarizes what I've experienced.

"Lots of people lose themselves in love; the hitch is you can't stay lost, sooner or later you have to get back to yourself."

It was not until a couple months ago that I finally "got back to being me" and fully realized how much of myself I lost within that relationship. The reality is, that a healthy relationship supplements each individual, meaning that they bring out the best in one another.

At the time, I thought I was becoming a better version of myself within the relationship because I was with someone who, in many ways, had opposite temperament traits than I did and challenged me. What I now realize is that it was not being with him that made me a better version of myself. It was the effort I placed in taking from the relationship to improve myself. Now that I can differentiate between the two I will ensure that the person I am with not only provides opportunities for me to become a better version of myself, but actively contributes to that process. I realize that I need to be with someone who brings out the best in me, without me having to consciously do so. I now know what I'm not willing to sacrifice or lose within the context of my next relationship.

If I needed to experience the brokenness and heartache that I endured following the breakup in order to come to this understanding then, from a place of wholeness, I can honestly say it was worthwhile.

The Bachelorette: "A Game of Love"

On Monday evening I watched the season premier of The Bachelorette and was quickly reminded why I despise love/relationship reality tv. To begin with, I feel like, for the most part, the people who go one those shows are desperate to fall in love. And from my observation, those who are desperate to fall in love (or in other words are in love with the idea of being in love) are more likely to enter into relationships and "fall in love" with the wrong person. They are more likely to "settle." It seems to me, that the potential suitors are in love with the idea of Ali. Even Ali mentioned that she is "ready to fall in love". I may say that I am emotionally and cognitively ready to begin dating, but my focus is not on "falling in love" it is on finding a companion, best friend, and lover.

I found the following article in the Huffington Post that seems to echo my sentiments regarding the absurdity of Monday's episode of The Bachelorette.
The Bachelorette: How Far Will We Go to Find Love?

Secondly, the contrived nature of reality dating shows, which does not even attempt to reflect actual life, are not an appropriate venue to seriously seek a companion. The "rules" (the number of roses to be distributed is dictated) and implicit expectations (proposal at the finale) are reflective of a game. The competitive nature of the "suitors" also reflects the "love as a game" mentality. Suitors want to "win" her heart. Their concern is with beating everyone else, rather than honestly assessing whether or not they are compatible with Ali. Love is not a game; or at the very least, should not be treated as a game.

It is likely that my disdain for the show is reflective of my own approach to seeking a companion. I am not someone who casually dates. If I'm truly interested in someone and see potential I have absolutely no interest in or desire to seek or engage in the process with anyone else. Whereas, if I do not see potential with someone, I will not even waste time going on a single date with them. I have a very strong intuitive sense which strongly influences my approach. Therefore, dating numerous guys at once does not even remotely appeal to me.

I suppose there are those who would argue that the show is entertaining but I have to question the influence these shows have on expectations and subsequent approaches to dating, relationships, love, and marriage.

Life full of laughter and Love ever after

As I was driving home from campus the other day I heard a new song on the radio that resonated with me. After typing a few of the key words into google once I got home, I discovered the song title was "Life After You" by Daughtry. Although the entire song resonated with my life experiences, there were three lines in particular that I found salient and worthy of reflection.

"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after"

As a graduate student my life is often best described as exhausting, stressful, hectic, and intense. Considering my intention to have a career in academia, my life will likely always be characterized by the aforementioned descriptors. Now understand that I thrive in this kind of environment (hence the reason I want to enter academia). However, I also recognize that I need someone to come home to that allows me to escape this life. I want someone who will "balance" this part of my personality and lifestyle. Although I appreciate the serious aspects of my personality that have allowed me such success academically, I also really enjoy indulging the fun, "spunky" aspects of my personality. I want to be with someone I can laugh with. Someone with the ability to make me laugh. Someone who encourages me to be goofy and silly. I firmly believe laughing is good for the heart and soul and an absolute necessity to counter all the stress that is encountered in daily life. I realized how important it is to be able to laugh with one another and I believe that laughter is rooted in a relationship that is both authentic and natural.

The last line of the lyrics listed above, provided me an opportunity to reframe for myself the misconception that our society recognizes as "happily ever after." Anyone who has read my blog regularly is already aware of my frustration with our society's unrealistic expectations of love and relationships that I argue is embedded in the "happily every after" "fairytale" ending of all movies. For those of you who are unaware of this perspective, a brief overview: I believe that people have a misconception that the "right" relationship should be easy. Instead, I believe a more realistic expectation of love and relationships is that although two people may be "natural" together, this does not mean that love or relationships should be or are easy. Operating within this framework, I am now committed to a perspective of "love ever after." After all, doesn't this better represent the vows that two individuals make during the marriage ceremony. The vows aren't "I promise never to make you angry, upset, or sad and to always make you happy." The vows are "for better or for worse" indicating that it won't always be easy, but the couple is committed to "love ever after."

I never cease to be amazed that songs have the ability to make me reflect on my own values and life experiences. In this case, Daughtry's "Life After You" allowed me to realize the salience of laughter and the experience of finding someone you can laugh with. It also allowed me to reframe the "happily ever after" that I have so much disdain for into "love ever after" that I believe is something worthy of striving for.

Live life and love

As a result of a lot of heartache and self reflection in the past six months or so, I have developed a sentence that I believe appropriately articulates my approach to life and love. "Live life and love abundantly, fiercely, passionately, authentically, generously, and wisely." However, I have also discovered that actually living and loving this way is a challenge. I've come to realize that at times these "traits" conflict with one another. For instance, sometimes it seems impossible to love generously and wisely simultaneously. Or that living authentically at times impedes the ability to love generously. And loving fiercely and passionately often overshadow one's ability to love wisely. I have come to recognize that these "traits" do not necessarily come easily or even occur harmoniously, but I believe they are worthy goals to strive for. I believe that attempting to live and love in a manner that fulfills these is worthwhile, even in spite of the difficulty and heartache that will likely occur in the attempt.

There are days (and there have been many recently) that I feel it is all I can do to "live life and love." (period). But if at my worst, and on my worst days, if I'm still living and loving, then maybe I'm not doing so bad after all.

Theories of love

There are a variety of theories of love that few outside the family studies field are familiar with or aware of. In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I felt it'd be appropriate to describe a few of these theories as I find they have practical application in my own experiences. However, before describing formal theories of love it is important to recognize that all individuals have their own "theories" of love (although they are often implicit) and operate within relationships in accordance to these theories of love. This means, that individuals' expectations and interactions within relationships are strongly influenced by personal theories of love. Informal theories of love are often based in our own experiences. However, I find that the formal theories I outline below can provide additional insight that may better inform these "personal theories of love."

Robert Sternberg conceptualized love as a process, which implies that it changes throughout a person's life. His theory is often referred to as the Triangular Theory of Love with three interconnected components: intimacy, commitment, and passion. Because love is dynamic, the three components are not always in perfect balance. According to Sternberg:

1. intimacy refers to loving relationships characterized by feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondness.
2. commitment is a decision to love someone else and a decision to maintain that love over time. It refers to love as a conscious act of will or deliberate choice.
3. passion refers to the physical attraction and romantic feelings that initially draw us to another person.

Sternberg identified eight types of love which represents a combination of the three components of love, but only one includes all three. Because love changes, it is possible, and likely, that a single relationship may experience each type of love. Sternberg's theory resonates with me because it recognizes and makes central the dynamic nature of love. It highlights the way love evolves and changes overtime.

Another theory of love that I find particularly salient is Lee's Six Types of Love Styles. John Alan Lee conceptualized love in a manner similar to the Greeks, who identified multiple words to differentiate types of love.

1. Eros refers to a type of sensual or sexual love.
2. Ludas refers to a love that is playful, flirtatious, carefree, and casual.
3. Storge can be conceptualized as friendship love or a type of affectionate love between companions.
4. Manic lovers experience very high highs, and very low lows and are typically associated with jealousy, protectiveness and exclusivity.
5. Pragma refers to a love guided by logic and practicality.
6. Agape is described as a selfless, enduring, other-centered type of love and is typically referred to as unconditional, willful love.

Personally I desire to experience a love that incorporates EACH of these love styles. I want someone I can be playful and flirty with, someone who is my best friend, someone who makes the choice to love me, and someone who is protective of me and our relationship. I see value in each love type when combined with the others and appreciate the possibility of these love styles to balance and compliment one another. This theory of love resonates with me because I appreciate its recognition of the multidimensionality of love.

In general, I think many people fail to recognize the multidimensional and dynamic nature of love. People often have unrealistic expectations about love and therefore relationships. It seems that many people expect love to look a certain way and never change. However, these two theories of love support the notion that love is multidimensional and dynamic. These two theories of love, along with my own experiences, have profoundly influenced my "love paradigm" which profoundly influences my expectations of and interactions within the confines of a relationship. Reviewing these theories has facilitated my own reflection on past relationships and has allowed me to critically reflect on my expectations within the context of a relationship. It is my hope that others will consider (either accept or reject) these theories in relation to their own "theories" of love and reflect how your own theories of love influence your expectations of and interactions within relationships.

"Perfect Love"

Through discussion with a few friends this week I have identified a few viewpoints/perspectives/paradigms that are not negotiable for me, within the context of a relationship. To begin with, I operate within a framework that may be considered "a life long-learner." This means that I value personal growth and am constantly striving to become a better version of myself (attempting to become the person God intends for me to be). As such, I strive to become a more balanced individual. In many ways, I seek people who have opposite personality traits than I do (specifically using the Myers-Briggs temperament) who can challenge me to become more balanced. However, it is not enough to find someone who may be opposite me in temperament, that person must respect and value our differences. If we do not both operate within a framework that recognizes that both of our temperaments/interests/etc. are valuable, the relationship and individuals will not thrive. It really just comes down to respecting and valuing one another and recognizing how eachother's differences compliment each individual. People who operate within a framework of self-righteousness (which may be a strong word to use here, but nonetheless conveys my point) and views their own temperament/interests/beliefs as superior to others are incapable of this kind of relationship. These kind of people often view themselves as "perfect" and have no desire to identify or develop their weaknesses or critically reflect on their beliefs and values. I refuse to be in a relationship with an individual who is unwilling to engage in critical reflection on himself and who does not value and respect our differences.

I have also recently determined the important role that "theories of compatibility" play within the context of dating and relationships. I operate from the "80-20 rule of relationships." I believe that you will only find about 80% of what you are looking for in a companion/spouse/mate. I believe it is extremely unrealistic to believe that you will find someone 100% "perfect" for you. And honestly, why would you want to find someone "perfect?" Isn't the amount of variation in humanity what makes the human experience unique? Personally, I do not want to be in a relationship where my companion expects me to be perfect. Think of how much pressure that would be! Also, I believe that a lack of awareness or acceptance of the 80/20 rule contributes to the occurrence of cheating. People often will find the 20% they may be "missing" in their relationship in someone else. The problem is, if they choose to act on that (either by cheating or ending the relationship, etc.) they essentially are losing the 80% and end up with the 20%. I hypothesize that people who expect to find the "perfect" person are MORE likely to fall victim to this situation. Of course this would need to be empirically tested to be validated. Regardless, I want to be with someone who recognizes that I am not perfect. I do not want to be put on a pedestal. I do not want the pressure associated with the expectation of perfection. I want someone who acknowledges that the 80% we have together is enough and desirable. To those who believe in finding the perfect person or perfect love I present the following quotes to be considered.

"The only perfection one will find in life is in imperfection."-me-

"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain." -Leo Buscaglia-

Personally, I am completely overwhelmed and intimidated by this description of perfect love and characteristics of a perfect lover. Not to say I do not aim for these things, but I believe few would argue that to be able to fully satisfy each of these qualities is impossible, or at the very least very unlikely. Therefore, I find a great deal of comfort in the 80-20 rule because it takes pressure off the relationship and off each individual. Of course, supposing you embrace the 80-20 rule of relationships, the challenge becomes identifying which things must fall within the 80% and which are negotiable and may fall in the 20%. However, that is beyond the scope of my thoughts within this blog.

Putting the Sin in Single

Something that really frustrates me about our society is the constant emphasis on "couples" and relationships. Its as if being a part of a couple is superior to being single. As Carrie recognized in Sex and the City, there are numerous occasions that honor and recognize couples. Couples celebrate anniversaries, they receive numerous gifts through bridal showers/bachelorette parties, and of course the ultimate celebration of marriage. I'm not saying that these are negative things. But what celebrations and recognition of "singles" are there? None! A couple years back a group of my friends and I decided to host a pub crawl entitled "Putting the SIN in single" to honor and celebrate our singlehood. It was a BLAST and by far the most fun I've had on a pub crawl. But this is the exception rather than the rule. Singles end up isolated and in many ways disregarded by society. Fortunately I know many strong, independent women who are single...unfortunately we're spread out across the US (shout out to Mandy, Melissa, Cassie, and Angela...among others). Personally, I'd rather be single the remainder of my life then "settle" for someone just so that I'm in a relationship. I'm content with surrounding myself with amazing friends. However, that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

Tonight I am celebrating 1 year of friendship with one of my best friends. Its not often that we celebrate anniversaries for friendships. I'm sure that part of that is that friendships tend to grow gradually and rarely require the DTR (define the relationship) talk that romantic relationships do. However, I think it is important that we celebrate friendships in the same way that couples celebrate their relationships. And often, these are the relationships that are going to be sustaining. I think it is likely, though, that we often take for granted our friendships.

To those of you who are single, embrace your singlehood and celebrate your friendships. To those of you who are part of a couple, enjoy your companion, but don't neglect your friendships. Because I have been on the receiving end of having a friendship neglected because of a relationship, and it is extremely hurtful. And also because I believe it to be extremely important, both individually and as a couple, that both people maintain their friendships. Otherwise the relationship bears the responsibility for satisfying all needs of each individual which is not desirable or healthy.

Today I urge you to recognize and appreciate your friendships. And for those of you who are single join me in living out the essence of "putting the sin in single," because lets face it, I don't want to be friends with a bunch of sluts! ;) Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all of you who have supported me through the past year! Whether through phone calls, text messages, discussions over cocktails, or supportive comments on my blog. Love you all!