Reflections on a bitter-sweet 2009

2009 can be most accurately described as a year of chaotic stability.  I have experienced some of the highest highs and lowest lows of my life.  The challenges, successes, struggles, opportunities, and experiences that have characterized this year have lead me to great growth as an individual, friend, and student.  Although this year has been characterized by much loss and difficulty it has also been characterized by joy and celebration.  In 2009, I fell in love which in the end resulted in a broken heart.  This is something that changed my life profoundly and something I have struggled with more than most people realize.  2009 introduced me to one of my very best friends, Mandy.  This friendship was unique from the beginning and strengthened within the context of one of the most difficult situations I have ever been involved in.  A situation that challenged me as an individual and a friend.  I feel so blessed to have been a part of Mandy's support group, and am SO proud of the growth and progress that she has made throughout this year.

I have also had the privilege of being involved in a variety of joyous occasions throughout 2009.  I had the honor of being the maid of honor in my best friend, Rachel's wedding.  I feel so blessed that Rach chose to include me in her special day.  It was even more meaningful now that she and I are living at opposite "poles" of the US (she's in Texas while I'm in Minnesota). In August I had the opportunity to attend another good friend's wedding in Cancun, Mexico.  I felt so blessed to be included in Sophia's wedding, especially since she now lives far away in London.  This was my first real vacation and I had the opportunity to spend it with my best friend.  There is absolutely nothing better than lying on the beach in the sun, listening to the waves crash against the beach, with a mango margarita in hand.  I've NEVER been more relaxed in my entire life.  More recently, I've enjoyed celebrating the engagements of my brother, Josh & his fiancee Whitney, and my best friend, Leslie.  

Personally, I have made great strides this year in becoming the person that God intends me to be.  I have grown immensely as an individual this year.  I've uncovered my own strength and resilience; and have discovered my capacity to love unconditionally.  Scholastically, I've successfully completed half of my doctorate coursework and have decided upon my dissertation topic.  I have also made great strides in my professional development by presenting my thesis research in the form of presenting a research poster at the National Council on Family Relations annual conference in San Francisco.  

As most people who know me well know, I prefer a life of chaotic stability to a life of stagnation.  Although this kind of life is characterized by high highs and low lows, I would rather experience the lowest of lows knowing that I am living a passionate life.  Knowing that the life experiences I have are giving me opportunities for personal growth.  While in many ways 2009 has been associated with difficulty, pain, and heartache, I recognize the silver lining in these experiences.  As I have often been told, nothing in life that's worth having comes easy.  Personal growth is not easy.  Love is NOT easy.  Life is not easy.  The most profound realization that has occurred to me in 2009 is the importance of living and loving fiercely, passionately, authentically, generously, and wisely.  While this is not easy, and as I've come to realize, at times quite difficult and painful, in my humble opinion, it is the only way to live a life that is worthwhile.  

Double Consciousness

The notion of double consciousness was described first by W. E. B. DuBois in 1902.  He described the challenge of being both a "negro and an American."  According to the Duboisian worldview individuals should be capable of embracing multiple identities so they have the ability to fully function within one’s ethnic group, religion, and culture while simultaneously having the capacity to be fully a part of the wider society.  Throughout the semester I have been attempting to navigate the internal dissonance I have experienced as a result of a sense of double consciousness between my academic identity and my identity as a Christian.   Although individually I have been able to navigate this double consciousness and integrate these two identities, I have yearned to find a community of others who also experience this double consciousness.  But I have struggled to identify the underlying opposition between these two identities.  In some way I associate academics and scholars with a liberal paradigm (as increasing education often is associated with more liberal/open minded thinking) whereas the Christian paradigm is often associated with conservative values and beliefs.  While I do believe this reflects some of the dissonance I experience, it does not fully explain why academic and Christian identities are difficult to integrate within today's society.  After watching Angels & Demons last night I feel as though I have a better understanding of the fundamental dissonance between the two.  Academics typically value science; which at its core is about seeking truth and knowledge that can be validated.  Christianity, on the other hand, is about having faith, "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what is unseen" (Hebrews 11:1).  Herein lies the fundamental juxtaposition of academic knowledge and Christian values.  The first is a matter of the mind.  The latter a matter of the heart.  However, I believe God gave us both a heart and mind that coexist.  

I have experienced the internal dissonance that exists within this double consciousness.  And although I feel as though I am capable of integrating these two identities individually, society provides some barriers that make life within a state of double consciousness difficult.  One of my course assignments this semester was to create a learning community.  So I decided to create a community of individuals who were also interested in taking an academic, critical approach to Christianity.  I was fortunate to hear Greg Boyd, a well-known Christian author and pastor in St. Paul, MN, preach.  He takes an academic approach to understanding the fundamental values of Christianity that align well with my own beliefs.  My small learning community has decided to begin our study by working through Greg's book, "Repenting of Religion: Turning from Judgment to the Love of God."  I feel that by creating a community of individuals who are interested in discussing Christianity from a critical perspective and finding a pastor who acts as a radical leader, I no longer feel isolated within my state of double consciousness.  

Wait for the man...

"Wait for the man who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of man who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better woman. Wait for the man who will be your best friend, the one who will drop everything to be with you. Wait for the man who makes you smile like no other guy makes you smile. Wait for the man who respects and loves you for who you are, not who everyone else wants you to be. Wait for the man who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and no make-up, but loves it when you get all dolled up for him. Wait for the man who praises God for you and encourages you daily in your walk, and most importantly, wait for the man who is more in love with God than you."

*I would also add, "the one who is willing to defend your honor." Because its not always about "who everyone else wants you to be," but rather who they try to make you out to be.*

One of my best friends showed me this quote a couple years ago. It immediately resonated with me as exactly what I was looking for in a guy. I'm ashamed to admit that at first when I read this I selfishly thought to myself that I didn't want the man I am with to be more in love with anyone (including God) than with me. I realize how selfish, arrogant, and naive this is. And as I reflected further I came to realize that in actuality, a man who is more in love with God than he is with me actually has a greater capacity to love me than a man who is more in love with me than with God.

I'm still not sure that I will find someone who fulfills/satisfies ALL of the above mentioned description. And honestly, I have absolutely no desire or intent to search for or even "stumble upon" a new relationship. But I do know that I will not settle for anything less than what is described above. Because honestly I have experienced what life with a man who fits much of the above description is like and nothing less will be sufficient. For now I am just trusting in God, being thankful for the family and friends who enhance my life, and focusing on further developing myself to fulfill God's plan for my life. I am not closing my heart off to the possibility of love but rather am attempting to open my heart to have the capacity to love others the way God loves me. I am attempting to reflect God's love in my life and simultaneously re-defining love to reflect the love that really matters in life.

Team Edward or Team Jacob???

*Spoiler alert...if you haven't read the Twilight series or seen the movies yet, the following blog post does contain some spoilers.*

I will readily admit that I am slightly (ok more than slightly) obsessed with the Twilight saga. I read the books this summer and became completely enamored with Edward and Bella's love story. Edward's love, adoration, protectiveness, and selflessness with Bella is, I believe, what most women hope for. And although in many ways I am not seeking out love, there remains a part of my heart that desires to find a man who looks at me the way Edward looks at Bella. A man who loves, adores and exhibits a protectiveness over me the way Edward does Bella. However, in the storyline of New Moon, Edward leaves Bella and utterly breaks her heart. Enter Jacob, Bella's best friend, who also happens to love Bella. Jacob is the only person who can alleviate the pain and begin to mend the hole that Edward's absence left in Bella's chest. Herein, lies the Team Edward vs. Team Jacob debate. Personally I'm Team Edward AND Jacob. But I have a great appreciation for and understanding of the debate now.

Delving deeper into the storyline we see that Edward left, not because he didn't love Bella, but because of how much he loved her. He left because he thought it was in her best interest. He thought he was protecting her. The problem was, he didn't consult Bella in this decision. He didn't allow her to be a part of the process. He didn't give her an opportunity to decide FOR HERSELF what was in her own best interest. AND, he lied to her; left her blaming herself for not being good enough to deserve Edward's love. He made it seem as if it was easy for him to walk away from her. Jacob, on the other hand, was always open with Bella about his feelings. He too was very protective over Bella; however, he also recognized that he couldn't protect Bella from everything, from all pain and heartache. He included her and allowed her to decide for herself what was in her best interest. Even when it meant that Jacob got hurt and rejected. The point is, Jacob allowed Bella to make her own decision, Edward did not. While both did so out of their love for Bella, Jacob valued Bella's ability to make decisions for herself. This storyline really resonates with me based on my past experiences. And while I admire the love and adoration that Edward has for Bella, I appreciate Jacob's openness, honesty, and willingness to allow Bella to be involved in the process and make her own decision. Even if that wasn't the decision that he himself wanted. So maybe it is this distinction that explains why I choose to be on Team Edward & Jacob. I recognize the traits in each that I want in a man, should I find one worth dating. I want the intense love and adoration that Edward exhibits and Jacob's ability to be open, honest and include Bella in the process. And while I want someone who will be protective over me, I also want someone who will make decisions with me, rather than for me. Until that time I'll continue "watching a gorgeous vampire and buff werewolf battle for a girl's love" which "is the perfect distraction from my inability to meet a semi-datable human."

Was I the Only One???

I tend to view my role as being the person who is always strong. It is very rare for me to allow people to see me weak. The few exceptions are my family (particularly my mom) and within the boundaries of a relationship. Very rarely will I be "weak" around girls, even my closest friends. A couple of my best friends have seen me in vulnerable/weak states on very rare occasion. In part this is because I have been betrayed and really hurt by some of my closest girlfriends. But mostly it is because I view it as my responsibility to be available to my friends to be strong for them when they need me to. And being weak compromises my ability to be strong for my friends. Over the years I've gotten really good at putting on a smile, even when I feel broken inside. And in some ways I've done this the past couple months through my blog. I have used this blog to process my thoughts & feelings and to use it as an opportunity for me to grow as a person. I have also put on a brave "face" and likely appeared less affected than what many of you may realize. The very few people (primarily my mom, brother Josh, and best friend Mandy) who know where my heart is and has been, realize that while everything I have blogged about recently is true, it is also not the entire story. So, in an attempt to challenge myself and work toward "self-realization" I have decided to make myself vulnerable in a way that is not easy or desirable to me.

I recently listened to a song off Jordin Sparks' newest album (Battlefield). It seems to eloquently and perfectly capture the thoughts and feelings I have experienced over the past couple months. Some are thoughts and feelings I still experience, others I have experienced at some point. But what these lyrics represent to me is vulnerability and brokenness, which is a reflection of my recent experiences.

So, below are the lyrics for "Was I the Only One" and an intimate look into my vulnerable heart.

--When you told me that I was a star in the sky
Baby, I believed every word
And you seemed so sincere, it was perfectly clear
'Cause forever was all that I heard

And every little kiss from your tender lips
Couldn't have been a lie
I fell heart over head without a safety net
I don't understand it's goodbye

Was I the only one who fell in love?
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, only one in love?

As I walk down the hall I see the place on the wall
Where the picture of us used to be
I fight back these tears 'cause I still feel you here
How could you walk out so easily?

And I don't understand how I can feel this pain
And still be alive
And all these broken dreams and all these memories
Are killing me inside

Was I the only one who fell in love?
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, only one?

Tell me what I'm supposed to do with all this love
Baby, it was supposed to be the two of us
Help me 'cause I still don't want to believe
I was the only one, I was the only one

I was the only one who fell in love
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
I was the only one, the only one

I was the only one who fell in love
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, the only one in love, oh

When you told me that I was a star in the sky
Baby, I believed every word--

Relationships are about...

"Relationships are about knowing what to give up for each other and knowing what to hold onto for ourselves" (quote from One Tree Hill Season 6). The profoundness of this quote struck me as soon as I heard it, because I feel it illustrates one of the most difficult aspects of a relationship. Within my most recent relationship, I did not know what to hold onto for myself. I was too selfless and accommodating. At times I felt like Kirk didn't know what to give up for our relationship and had a tendency to be selfish. I realize that on the surface people may assume that I am saying Kirk is at fault for being selfish (because for the most part selfishness is seen as negative) and I was in the "right" because I was selfless (because this is viewed positively). However, this is not what I'm suggesting. I'm suggesting that he and I needed to learn from one another and I needed to learn what to hold onto for me and he needed to learn what to give up for us. According to this quote, each individual must know when they need to be selfless and when they need to be selfish. It is achieving this balance of selflessness and selfishness that allows the relationship to thrive.

As for myself, I am by nature too accommodating and selfless. It was much easier for me to just give in and constantly attend events with he and his friends because in part the alternative was to just stay in. He and his friends are VERY social. As a graduate student I don't really have the time to be so social (fortunately while we dated I was only taking two courses which enabled me to be more social than normal). I think even more importantly, by nature I am an introvert and am energized by being alone or in small groups, with one or two other people. This does not mean that I do not enjoy being social or going out with friends, and my friends can definitely attest to that. But it does mean that I am not energized by social activities among large groups of people (like most extroverts are). *NOTE: On the Myers-Briggs temperament type I am an ENFJ (extroverted, intuitive, feeling, judging) personality. I have learned to become more extroverted over time. However, initially when I took Myers-Briggs I was an INFJ. So by nature I am intoverted.* So constantly going out with he and his friends was exhausting and emotionally draining for me. I neglected my introverted nature and there were negative consequences of doing so. Often when we went out, Kirk and I would have a lot of fun through the night but I tended to pick insignificant tiffs at the end of the night. This really frustrated Kirk, and understandably so. During our relationship I was unsure why this happened. But upon reflection I think it was a result of me being emotionally drained. Going out every weekend and even sometimes both nights in a weekend was too much for me. It was contrary to my introverted nature. I didn't realize the importance of "holding onto" this for myself. And had I been better able to do so, I think our relationship would have benefited.

This is just one example of how my selflessness had a negative impact on our relationship. Had I been more aware and been more selfish, I would have realized I needed more low-key nights in and either chosen not to attend some events or asked Kirk to stay in with me instead of going out. (Probably a little of both would be reasonable). It is my hope that through this reflection, I will better know what to give up for the other person & our relationship and know what to hold onto for myself. I have learned that I sometimes need to be selfish, because contrary to popular belief, that is just as important to individual and couple well-being as being selfless. I have learned the importance of knowing what to hold onto for myself.

Hallelujah

Over the past couple months I've turned to music as a source of refuge and validation of my experiences and feelings. A song that I have always LOVED is "Hallelujah." One of my favorite music artists, Kate Voegele, has recorded a version and I actually got to see her perform it live this summer. The song is beautiful, inspirational, and moving. But it was not until after the break up that I really listened to and processed the lyrics. There's a line that seems particularly salient to my life.

"And love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah."

This line has really resonated with me the past couple months. Mostly because I have been experiencing the "cold and broken" aspects of love lost. I think anyone experiencing heartbreak can easily relate to this line. However, it is important not to take the phrase out of context. It says love is...a cold and a broken HALLELUJAH. By definition, Hallelujah is an expression of praise, joy, or thanks. I interpret this to mean that there are times when love is difficult, heartbreaking, and complicated. But even when love is hard, it brings joy and reason to give thanks. And in my opinion, that is a more powerful message than providing validation for someone experiencing a broken heart. Because it suggests that being in love is not always characterized by a feeling of victory. It sometimes is a sense of loss or even failure. BUT even at what seems like the "lowest point" love is worth it. Even when being in love seems frustrating, difficult or even exhausting, it is still superior to a life without love (which may be characterized by stagnation). In my own opinion, being in love is often characterized by high, highs and low, lows. Personally, I'd rather experience more intense lows if that means I also get to experience higher highs. I'd rather experience a lower low if that means I experience those lows with the love of my life at my side. Because at least if I have intense highs and lows, I know I'm living life and not just living in stagnation.

So, while I was initially drawn to this lyric because I felt that my heartbreak could be characterized as "a cold and broken Hallelujah," I've come to realize that it is actually an eloquent expression of my own understanding of love. Because, I can't imagine a love that is anything less than a cold and broken Hallelujah.