This week was the annual conference for my field's primary organization NCFR (National Council on Family Relations). NCFR is headquartered here in Minneapolis, MN so the annual conference is held here every four years. The first NCFR conference I attended was four years ago in 2006 and was held here, in downtown Minneapolis. At the time, I had no idea I'd be living here the next time the conference was hosted in Minnesota. Over the past two years that I've been living here I've experienced & subsequently struggled with the phenomenon known as "Minnesota Nice." This term is worn as a badge of honor by Minnesotans. It is something they fully embrace and embody, as is evidenced by one of the signs in the Silent Auction room at the conference that read "It's Minnesota nice to bid on items." However, this is something that I have really struggled to "adjust" to.
During a small group discussion a couple weeks ago, one of my classmates, who is an out of state student, was talking about how difficult it is to make friends here. This resonated with my own experiences. Another student in the class (who is originally from Peru but has lived in Minnesota for 20 years or so) articulated "Minnesota Nice" as passive aggressiveness. It seems to me that, "Minnesota Nice" is just a socially acceptable or sanctioned form of passive aggressiveness. Now I do not believe this is the intent of "Minnesota Nice." I believe this term has derived as a way to categorize behavior that is situated in the Scandinavian/Norwegian culture or ways of being that have greatly influenced Minnesota culture. From my limited understanding of and experience with this culture, it seems that conflict and confrontation are avoided at all cost. The underlying assumption of this value is that conflict and confrontation are always negative. However, I would argue that conflict and confrontation are necessary components of life and it is important that individuals be able to constructively engage in conflict. Cultural values that discourage conflict and confrontation, constrain individual's ability to develop the skills necessary to engage in conflict in meaningful and constructive ways.
Regardless, these cultural values have profoundly shaped Minnesotan's understanding of and approaches to conflict. From my perspective, this behavioral adaptation has resulted in a form of "passive aggressiveness." It seems as though people here do not understand that it is possible to disagree with someone or confront someone in a respectful, constructive manner. Instead people avoid confrontation or confront people in a manner that appears passive aggressive. All of this comes across as fake or inauthentic. As a result, I've had difficulty trusting people here. Many people have asked me whether I plan to stay in the area after I graduate. And honestly, I don't know. I love the cities. I love that it doesn't have a "big city feel" but still has all the advantages of a city. There's just so much to do here: comedy shows, Broadway musicals, art museums, a variety of college and professional sports teams and so much more. However, being so far away from my family and close friends has been really difficult. There have been many times I've felt very isolated and alone here. The truth is, that regardless of how much I love it here, if I don't feel as though I have family here (whether "real" or fictive) by the time I graduate, I don't know that I can stay here and be happy. If I happen to find my life partner here, I will be very content to live the rest of my life in the Twin Cities. But I believe that life is about relationships. Its about people. And all the advantages of living in a city mean very little if you don't have special people in your life to share them with.
I believe that critically reflecting on this phenomenon, Minnesota Nice, and tracing (what I believe to be) its origin to cultural values has helped me to gain a better understanding of this behavior and ultimately reframe some of my experiences.
*Disclaimer* For the ease of describing my experiences I attributed this phenomenon to all Minnesotans. I realize this is unfair and do not believe this applies to all Minnesotans. I also do not mean to imply that this is a defining feature of Minnesota culture. It is simply a trend I have noticed throughout my experiences living here and something that I've struggled with over the past couple years.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Suffering in Silence
I am a "suffer in silence" kind of person. I'm not going to "tweet" or update my facebook status to let everyone know when I'm struggling or hurting. Most of the time, I will struggle without people knowing that I'm struggling. Aside from my family (primarily my mom) and very select few people at certain moments in time, I do not often turn to others when I'm hurting. Over the past year or so I turned to blogging to help me process my thoughts and feelings by "embodying my thoughts in text." Doing so has been challenging as it is against my "nature" to expose my vulnerabilities and weaknesses to others. However, to my surprise, I have found that this self-reflective process, which makes my intimate thoughts and feelings public, has helped others. I have been so humbled knowing that my experiences, thoughts, feelings, and insights have benefited others. And in many ways, I've felt supported and validated by others, via their comments on my posts or private messages I've received. While I expected that the intentional process of self-reflection would be beneficial, I was not expecting how the responses from others would contribute to my well-being and healing process.
So I find myself at a familiar crossroads. My heart is aching; my mind is reeling; and I feel alone. It is times like these that being so far from my family and close friends is the most difficult. However, I am thankful for the distraction that being a doctoral student offers. I think I would have spent the entire weekend in bed if it weren't for my coursework. Tomorrow begins one of the most hectic and exhausting weeks of my semester (the national annual conference for my field is being held here). After a weekend of "sulking," this busy week is exactly what I need to force me to focus on something, anything else. Of course, tasty Bradstreet cocktails with a friend on Saturday won't hurt either! ;)
So I find myself at a familiar crossroads. My heart is aching; my mind is reeling; and I feel alone. It is times like these that being so far from my family and close friends is the most difficult. However, I am thankful for the distraction that being a doctoral student offers. I think I would have spent the entire weekend in bed if it weren't for my coursework. Tomorrow begins one of the most hectic and exhausting weeks of my semester (the national annual conference for my field is being held here). After a weekend of "sulking," this busy week is exactly what I need to force me to focus on something, anything else. Of course, tasty Bradstreet cocktails with a friend on Saturday won't hurt either! ;)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Invictus- "Unconquered"
While I was at home last week, one of the movies I watched was Invictus which is based on true events following Nelson Mandela's election as the South African president. Mandeal utilized the South African rugby team's success in the World Cup as a way to address lingering hostility between white and black South African's following the apartheid era. Aside from the fact it is a good movie, I became intrigued by the title of the movie which refers to a poem that Nelson Mandela used as comfort and inspiration during his years imprisoned at Robben Island. I have included the poem below and bolded the phrases that I find particularly salient.
This poem appears to be referring to locus of control, which refers to an individual's perception about the underlying main causes of events in his/her life. The poem reflects the life paradigm of an individual who exhibits internal locus of control. People with an internal locus of control tend to believe that they are in control of their life or "master of [their] fate." These people believe their life is the result of their own decisions and efforts and tend to seek life satisfaction and happiness from within. Individuals who operate from an external locus of control believe in fate and luck and seek life satisfaction and happiness in external circumstances and situations. These people tend to say or think "I'll be happy once I am making more money" or I'll be happy once I move" or "I'll be happy once I find a boyfriend/girlfriend."
As the above poem and Mandela's experience clearly illustrate, individuals cannot always control their life circumstances or situations; however, we can control the way we choose to perceive and respond to the situations we find ourselves in, which is eloquently articulated in the closing two lines of this poem. I believe this reflects a balanced locus of control, which is likely the healthiest approach. For those of you who are unsure what approach you employ, Discovery Health has a short 10 question Locus of Control and Attribution Style Test. I urge you to take the test, reflect on the results, and determine how your approach influences your life.
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This poem appears to be referring to locus of control, which refers to an individual's perception about the underlying main causes of events in his/her life. The poem reflects the life paradigm of an individual who exhibits internal locus of control. People with an internal locus of control tend to believe that they are in control of their life or "master of [their] fate." These people believe their life is the result of their own decisions and efforts and tend to seek life satisfaction and happiness from within. Individuals who operate from an external locus of control believe in fate and luck and seek life satisfaction and happiness in external circumstances and situations. These people tend to say or think "I'll be happy once I am making more money" or I'll be happy once I move" or "I'll be happy once I find a boyfriend/girlfriend."
As the above poem and Mandela's experience clearly illustrate, individuals cannot always control their life circumstances or situations; however, we can control the way we choose to perceive and respond to the situations we find ourselves in, which is eloquently articulated in the closing two lines of this poem. I believe this reflects a balanced locus of control, which is likely the healthiest approach. For those of you who are unsure what approach you employ, Discovery Health has a short 10 question Locus of Control and Attribution Style Test. I urge you to take the test, reflect on the results, and determine how your approach influences your life.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Soulmate
I was watching Lipstick Jungle tonight and Natasha Bedingfield had a guest appearance in one of the episodes and sang "Soulmate." This song is beautiful and really resonates with me. I've included a YouTube video that includes the lyrics for those of you who are unfamiliar with the song.
While I love the song and definitely relate to the essence of the message, I also tend to "push back" against the term "soulmate." I do not believe that there is just one person out there for each of us. I know too many people who have lost their love early in life and I just don't believe that they are destined to be alone the rest of their lives. So, here is what I believe:
1.) I do not believe that there is one soulmate for every individual, but I do believe that there are only a limited number of individuals with the potential to be a particular individual's soulmate. Potential soulmates are compatible based on core values, beliefs, life experiences & expectations as well as the life paradigm each individual operates from.
2.) I believe another important component of a soulmate is the presence of chemistry between two individuals. I found this MSN article describing the 5 Kinds of Chemistry especially useful. In my own opinion, soulmates will share each of these types of chemistry. While I believe that chemistry provides the "natural" feeling or connection between two individuals I do not believe that means the relationship will be easy.
3.) I believe that finding a soulmate is the result of both fate and personal decisions, which both influence timing. For example, I ended up in Minnesota based on my decision to apply to the U of M's Phd program. However, the opportunities & experiences that led up to that decision are the culmination of both fate and personal decisions. Beyond that, being in a situation where I meet one particular individual (someone with the potential to be my soulmate) may be considered fate whereas my own decision to place myself in a situation where I could meet that individual is a choice.
Although I do believe that the term soulmate captures the essence of what I am ultimately searching for, I also believe that the assumptions and expectations that are typically associated with the term do not reflect my own beliefs (a selection of which have been presented here). While Natasha Bedingfield's song "Soulmate" resonates with me (as I'm sure it does with others) I felt the need to articulate my own beliefs about the loaded term.
While I love the song and definitely relate to the essence of the message, I also tend to "push back" against the term "soulmate." I do not believe that there is just one person out there for each of us. I know too many people who have lost their love early in life and I just don't believe that they are destined to be alone the rest of their lives. So, here is what I believe:
1.) I do not believe that there is one soulmate for every individual, but I do believe that there are only a limited number of individuals with the potential to be a particular individual's soulmate. Potential soulmates are compatible based on core values, beliefs, life experiences & expectations as well as the life paradigm each individual operates from.
2.) I believe another important component of a soulmate is the presence of chemistry between two individuals. I found this MSN article describing the 5 Kinds of Chemistry especially useful. In my own opinion, soulmates will share each of these types of chemistry. While I believe that chemistry provides the "natural" feeling or connection between two individuals I do not believe that means the relationship will be easy.
3.) I believe that finding a soulmate is the result of both fate and personal decisions, which both influence timing. For example, I ended up in Minnesota based on my decision to apply to the U of M's Phd program. However, the opportunities & experiences that led up to that decision are the culmination of both fate and personal decisions. Beyond that, being in a situation where I meet one particular individual (someone with the potential to be my soulmate) may be considered fate whereas my own decision to place myself in a situation where I could meet that individual is a choice.
Although I do believe that the term soulmate captures the essence of what I am ultimately searching for, I also believe that the assumptions and expectations that are typically associated with the term do not reflect my own beliefs (a selection of which have been presented here). While Natasha Bedingfield's song "Soulmate" resonates with me (as I'm sure it does with others) I felt the need to articulate my own beliefs about the loaded term.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Making Things Explicit...Avoiding the "Bad Call"
Within the course of my life in general and relationships specifically I prefer to make things explicit. I prefer to know where I stand with people. I have found that being authentic, honest, and explicit really facilitates this process. However, it is not easy to do this; I've been in very uncomfortable and at times awkward situations by attempting to identify and make explicit undercurrents. I have also learned that doing this does not always resolve the issue because if the person or people I'm interacting with avoid being honest and explicit (sometimes even to themselves) awkward undercurrents may remain.
I'd like to use a sports metaphor to further illustrate the benefit of being explicit within the context of friendships and relationships. Imagine you are watching a football game and the ref calls a face-mask penalty against your team. [For those of you who are unfamiliar with what a face-mask call is I have included a youtube video below of what it looks like. As you can see from the video it is illegal because it could really injure the player, ie. break his neck.] Upon replay, you can see that your team's player did not actually grab on to the face-mask but the player's hand was close to the face-mask. Most people choose to get upset with the ref for making a bad call. However, I appreciate the way my dad reframes the situation. He argues that if the player had made a fundamentally sound tackle (ie. hit them low and wrap up) his hand would not be anywhere near the face-mask which does not even give the ref an opportunity to make the "bad call."
When this is applied to friendships and relationships, being explicit about how you feel, what you think, etc. reduces the potential for misunderstandings. Being explicit means the other person does not have a reason to question or assume what is going on. As I was told many years ago, "when you assume you make an ass out of 'u' and 'me'." I have been in situations where misunderstandings and hurt feelings could have been avoided had both parties been honest and explicit. However, being honest and explicit can also, cause problems especially if you are interacting with a very sensitive person or people unwilling to critically reflect on the situation. Regardless, I firmly believe that making things explicit avoids the likelihood that you or your friend or partner will feel the need to question or make assumptions about your friendship or relationship. By making things explicit others aren't put in the situation where they even have the possibility to "make a bad call."
I'd like to use a sports metaphor to further illustrate the benefit of being explicit within the context of friendships and relationships. Imagine you are watching a football game and the ref calls a face-mask penalty against your team. [For those of you who are unfamiliar with what a face-mask call is I have included a youtube video below of what it looks like. As you can see from the video it is illegal because it could really injure the player, ie. break his neck.] Upon replay, you can see that your team's player did not actually grab on to the face-mask but the player's hand was close to the face-mask. Most people choose to get upset with the ref for making a bad call. However, I appreciate the way my dad reframes the situation. He argues that if the player had made a fundamentally sound tackle (ie. hit them low and wrap up) his hand would not be anywhere near the face-mask which does not even give the ref an opportunity to make the "bad call."
When this is applied to friendships and relationships, being explicit about how you feel, what you think, etc. reduces the potential for misunderstandings. Being explicit means the other person does not have a reason to question or assume what is going on. As I was told many years ago, "when you assume you make an ass out of 'u' and 'me'." I have been in situations where misunderstandings and hurt feelings could have been avoided had both parties been honest and explicit. However, being honest and explicit can also, cause problems especially if you are interacting with a very sensitive person or people unwilling to critically reflect on the situation. Regardless, I firmly believe that making things explicit avoids the likelihood that you or your friend or partner will feel the need to question or make assumptions about your friendship or relationship. By making things explicit others aren't put in the situation where they even have the possibility to "make a bad call."
Monday, May 31, 2010
"Lots of People Lose Themselves in Love..."
This blog post was partially inspired by a friend of mine's recent blog. She and I have both experienced heartbreak in the past year and a half. Each of us was left feeling broken following the end of our respective relationships and have spent a considerable amount of time processing these relationships in order to emotionally and cognitively prepare ourselves for healthier relationships.
What I've come to realize in the past few months was how much of myself that I sacrificed or lost within the context of that relationship. As embarrassing as this is to admit, a quote from the television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer (season 3), clearly and succinctly summarizes what I've experienced.
"Lots of people lose themselves in love; the hitch is you can't stay lost, sooner or later you have to get back to yourself."
It was not until a couple months ago that I finally "got back to being me" and fully realized how much of myself I lost within that relationship. The reality is, that a healthy relationship supplements each individual, meaning that they bring out the best in one another.
At the time, I thought I was becoming a better version of myself within the relationship because I was with someone who, in many ways, had opposite temperament traits than I did and challenged me. What I now realize is that it was not being with him that made me a better version of myself. It was the effort I placed in taking from the relationship to improve myself. Now that I can differentiate between the two I will ensure that the person I am with not only provides opportunities for me to become a better version of myself, but actively contributes to that process. I realize that I need to be with someone who brings out the best in me, without me having to consciously do so. I now know what I'm not willing to sacrifice or lose within the context of my next relationship.
If I needed to experience the brokenness and heartache that I endured following the breakup in order to come to this understanding then, from a place of wholeness, I can honestly say it was worthwhile.
What I've come to realize in the past few months was how much of myself that I sacrificed or lost within the context of that relationship. As embarrassing as this is to admit, a quote from the television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer (season 3), clearly and succinctly summarizes what I've experienced.
"Lots of people lose themselves in love; the hitch is you can't stay lost, sooner or later you have to get back to yourself."
It was not until a couple months ago that I finally "got back to being me" and fully realized how much of myself I lost within that relationship. The reality is, that a healthy relationship supplements each individual, meaning that they bring out the best in one another.
At the time, I thought I was becoming a better version of myself within the relationship because I was with someone who, in many ways, had opposite temperament traits than I did and challenged me. What I now realize is that it was not being with him that made me a better version of myself. It was the effort I placed in taking from the relationship to improve myself. Now that I can differentiate between the two I will ensure that the person I am with not only provides opportunities for me to become a better version of myself, but actively contributes to that process. I realize that I need to be with someone who brings out the best in me, without me having to consciously do so. I now know what I'm not willing to sacrifice or lose within the context of my next relationship.
If I needed to experience the brokenness and heartache that I endured following the breakup in order to come to this understanding then, from a place of wholeness, I can honestly say it was worthwhile.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The Bachelorette: "A Game of Love"
On Monday evening I watched the season premier of The Bachelorette and was quickly reminded why I despise love/relationship reality tv. To begin with, I feel like, for the most part, the people who go one those shows are desperate to fall in love. And from my observation, those who are desperate to fall in love (or in other words are in love with the idea of being in love) are more likely to enter into relationships and "fall in love" with the wrong person. They are more likely to "settle." It seems to me, that the potential suitors are in love with the idea of Ali. Even Ali mentioned that she is "ready to fall in love". I may say that I am emotionally and cognitively ready to begin dating, but my focus is not on "falling in love" it is on finding a companion, best friend, and lover.
I found the following article in the Huffington Post that seems to echo my sentiments regarding the absurdity of Monday's episode of The Bachelorette.
The Bachelorette: How Far Will We Go to Find Love?
Secondly, the contrived nature of reality dating shows, which does not even attempt to reflect actual life, are not an appropriate venue to seriously seek a companion. The "rules" (the number of roses to be distributed is dictated) and implicit expectations (proposal at the finale) are reflective of a game. The competitive nature of the "suitors" also reflects the "love as a game" mentality. Suitors want to "win" her heart. Their concern is with beating everyone else, rather than honestly assessing whether or not they are compatible with Ali. Love is not a game; or at the very least, should not be treated as a game.
It is likely that my disdain for the show is reflective of my own approach to seeking a companion. I am not someone who casually dates. If I'm truly interested in someone and see potential I have absolutely no interest in or desire to seek or engage in the process with anyone else. Whereas, if I do not see potential with someone, I will not even waste time going on a single date with them. I have a very strong intuitive sense which strongly influences my approach. Therefore, dating numerous guys at once does not even remotely appeal to me.
I suppose there are those who would argue that the show is entertaining but I have to question the influence these shows have on expectations and subsequent approaches to dating, relationships, love, and marriage.
I found the following article in the Huffington Post that seems to echo my sentiments regarding the absurdity of Monday's episode of The Bachelorette.
The Bachelorette: How Far Will We Go to Find Love?
Secondly, the contrived nature of reality dating shows, which does not even attempt to reflect actual life, are not an appropriate venue to seriously seek a companion. The "rules" (the number of roses to be distributed is dictated) and implicit expectations (proposal at the finale) are reflective of a game. The competitive nature of the "suitors" also reflects the "love as a game" mentality. Suitors want to "win" her heart. Their concern is with beating everyone else, rather than honestly assessing whether or not they are compatible with Ali. Love is not a game; or at the very least, should not be treated as a game.
It is likely that my disdain for the show is reflective of my own approach to seeking a companion. I am not someone who casually dates. If I'm truly interested in someone and see potential I have absolutely no interest in or desire to seek or engage in the process with anyone else. Whereas, if I do not see potential with someone, I will not even waste time going on a single date with them. I have a very strong intuitive sense which strongly influences my approach. Therefore, dating numerous guys at once does not even remotely appeal to me.
I suppose there are those who would argue that the show is entertaining but I have to question the influence these shows have on expectations and subsequent approaches to dating, relationships, love, and marriage.
